Anyway, so *this* morning (because, no, of course I didn't think/bother to take care of it last *night,* when people were actually around and had no vital places to go . . .), with many tips from Kyle and Dad (via Skype), I learned a variety of useful things:
1. what the battery charger looks like and where in the garage it lives
2. that there was WAY too much corrosion on my battery's contacts to even get a jump from the Impala . . .
3. how to get corrosion off the battery--a spoonful of baking soda dissolved in water, poured over the mess. Fizzes up like a science-fair volcano, and with minimal scrubbing, comes off like magic. :D
4. how to remove the . . . cable thingies . . . from the contacts and wash *inside* them (or rather, in between them and the contacts, or whatever . . . my lingo certainly leaves something to be desired, still . . .)
And by this time, everyone had to leave, so it was up to me and Meagan (whose turn it was to be late to school . . . these girls. Honestly. *headshake*) to work out the rest and put all my newly acquired knowledge to work.
In the process of all this, I also learned that the bolts clamping those cables on must have been really quite old and corroded themselves, because one of them snapped off as I was trying to tighten it back down. So I had to spend a few minutes scrounging in the random odds-and-ends can to find another nut and bolt that would work. So now the negative side's bolt is a 10mm, and the positive side's is a 7/16. :P Now I just need to remember that if ever I need to do this again, so it doesn't take me so long trial-and-erring to find the right wrench. :D
Anywho, to finish off the adventure, I got everything attached properly again (being careful, of course, to attach everything in the correct order--positive first, then negative, and the reverse when taking them off), then hooked up the charger once more and let it sit for a bit while Meagan and I went in and had some breakfast. Then we came out and voila! The car started! I drove her to school just in time for the beginning of second period, which also conveniently gave me a good 30 minutes of driving around to get the battery all charged and happy again, as I'm supposed to. :)
Now I feel all accomplished. Yay. :D